Why LGBTQIA+ People Experience 2 Kinds of Adolescence

Heya, eccentric people!

Question for you: Have you at any point felt behind? Like your straight, cisgender companions have more heartfelt, social, or sexual experience than you?

This sensation of "behind-ness" might be associated with something known as the "second eccentric immaturity."

Here, orientation and sexuality instructors make sense of what a second eccentric puberty is, the delights and lows of it, as well as how to embrace your own course of events regardless of your age or the timetables of everyone around you.

Why queer people can’t be themselves the ‘first time around’

The short answer: all the -isms and -phobias.

“Homophobic and heteronormative, transphobic, and cisnormative narratives, as well as governmental policies and cultural norms in religion, families, schools, social spaces, laws, and various other institutions, all contribute to people suppressing or fearing their sexualities and sexual orientations,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.

Starting from birth, young queer folks learn from their caregivers that straight, gender-conforming behavior will be rewarded while queer or gender-nonconforming behavior will be punished, notes Tanner.

Sometimes this messaging is super explicit. For instance, a young boy being told that enjoying theater “is gay.”

And sometimes it’s more subtle. Like not allowing a kid to dress the way they’d like because it feels a little too “flamboyant,” or asking a teenage girl if there are any boys she has a crush on (rather than asking her if there’s anyone she likes).

Lack of media representation is a factor here, too

Your age may affect just how much (or how little) LGBTQIA+ representation you witnessed in movies and TV shows growing up.

In 2009, queer characters were present in some way, shape, or form in just 3 percent of all regular characters in scripted series airing on ABC, CBS, The CW, Fox, and NBC.

But they were present in 22 — that’s 18.6 percent — of 118 films produced by major studios in 2019.

In other words, the younger you are, the more queer representation you may have had.

But for most people reading this, there was a significant lack of LGBTQIA+ representation in the media they consumed growing up, says Kahn.

“And a lack of queer representation in the media contributes to shame,” he says.  

The lack of media representation also contributes to LGBTQIA+ people *not* encountering the language that best names their lived experience(s) as a gendered (or nongendered), sexual (or asexual) being in the world until much later in life.

“With no language or examples to help queer folks put words to what they’re feeling, they often try to adapt to their straight peers because that’s the representation that’s readily available,” Tanner says. 

There are benefits of coming into your gender and sexuality at any age

The idea that you’re “behind” because you’re learning your gender and sexuality later in life than cis-het folks totally underestimates how much self-awareness the process of coming into your gender and sexuality as a non-cis, non-het person really takes.

“Often the process of coming out (later in life) propels queer people into a place of self-awareness and exploration that some cis straight folks never choose to pursue,” Tanner says.

“It’s not about being ahead or behind, but rather creating a life worth living for you, wherever you are,” she says.  

How to embrace your queerness and second queer adolescence

“It’s more than OK to spend some time grieving that you didn’t get the support you needed when you were young,” Tanner says. These tips can help.

Find your people

“There’s a whole online community of folks who call themselves ‘late bloomers’ who are embracing coming out later in life,” Tanner says.

Depending on when you came out, you might decide to find them, befriend them, and share your experiences.

Follow queer people on social media

Consuming media of people who look like you and have had similar gender and sexuality journeys as you can be tremendously helpful, says Wright.

But, she says, “do so in an intentional way, because it’s incredibly easy to consume media that validates the yucky thoughts of behind-ness.”

Celebrate yourself!

Don’t stop yourself from celebrating important “firsts” or milestones because of your age.

Allow yourself to gush over first kisses and go out to queer bars even if you feel “too old.” Enjoy anniversaries, throw “The L Word” watch parties, and host ~fashion shows~ with your friends on FaceTime.

“If you’re struggling to find community, find a queer therapist who can celebrate with you until you do,” Tanner says.

Ask for help if you need it

“If you’re struggling to embrace your sexuality but want to feel more at home in your sexuality, consider what beliefs are inhibiting you,” Kahn says.

“It can take work to unlearn our internalized homophobia and transphobia, and it’s important to reflect on, unlearn, and challenge what beliefs are still thriving inside of you,” they say.

If that’s not work you feel you can do on your own, seek out the care of a queer-informed therapist or queer support group.  

The Final line

No matter when you came out — be it to yourself or those around you — or when you got the opportunity to experience the “firsts” typically associated with adolescence, you’re exactly where you need to be.